Housework
by jokerwho
Summary: The Joker attempts to do housework after realizing Harley has been in Arkham for more than three months.
**Housework**

The past three months or so might have been the best days of his life, the Joker thought as he woke up one morning. No death hugs, no Harley pestering him about having some alone time and most importantly, no Harley at all.

The Clown Prince of Crime was enjoying his bachelor life but that was short-lived when he walked into the living room. Well, it wouldn't be called a living room judging by the state it was in. Even the term 'pig-sty' was an understatement.

The place was a complete mess. Dried ice-cream on the walls and ceiling, the sofa has definitely seen better days as it was torn up by its two hyena occupants currently sleeping peacefully and the floor was covered in popcorn.

"Harley! I need you to clean up this mess!"

He was greeted with silence. His pets barely stirred, indicating that they were used to this sort of thing.

"Harley! Where are you?! I need you to clean up this place!" he yelled before it dawned to him that his Harley is in Arkham. "Oh right, she's in Arkham."

He strode into the kitchen, and opened the fridge, expecting to see food but all that was in there was a pint of milk. The Joker scowled. The fridge looked as if it hadn't been cleaned in a while. He pouted like a child before looking for food in the cupboard. All that was left was a packet of instant soup.

After breakfast, the Joker took a shower and once he stepped out of the bathroom in a purple robe, he looked for his suit in the closet. There was nothing in there. He couldn't use the suit he was wearing yesterday. It was all wrinkled up and not fresh and the Joker is all about appearance. What would his fans or Batman say if they saw him wearing worn-out clothes?

And so, he was forced to, well, do his own laundry for the first time since forever. He sighed before collecting all of his clothes and a few of Harley's too. That'll show her that he's capable of doing simple things by himself.

"Stupid Harley for being such a lazy dame," he grumbled while stomping into the kitchen like a child. Setting the basket on the floor, he looked for the detergent in one of the cupboards before filling the washer completely and tossing the box aside.

After stuffing his laundry in, the Joker closed the washer door and pressed the start button. The machine began vibrating and he could hear water pouring in. It wasn't that difficult.

Still in his robe, the Clown Prince of Crime decided to pass the time by watching TV and so he pushed Bud and Lou aside and switched on the television but, there was nothing on TV. Literally.

He growled in anger and threw the remote into the TV, causing the screen to shatter. The two hyenas whimpered slightly at the sight of their angry master but he ignored them.

As he got off the sofa, he stepped on a pile of semi-dried ice-cream before tripping, his face making contact with the cold hard floor.

"That's it!" The Joker growled angrily, disappearing into the kitchen before coming back with a vacuum, a mop and a bucket filled with water.

He plugged in the vacuum into a power outlet and turned on the machine. He started with the mess he had made earlier, clearing up all the shards of glass before clearing all the popcorn off the floor. The hyenas sat on the sofa, wagging their tails happily as they silently observe their master who was attempting to mop the floor without slipping. Maybe he shouldn't have used so much soap.

With the floor clean, the Joker tried to clean up the mess he made on the ceiling and walls. He used the mop to clean up the dried up ice-cream on the wall and there were no issues there but when he tried to do the same with the ceiling, the mop head fell directly on his face.

He screamed in anger once more before tossing the mop head aside and breaking the stick in half. "This is ridiculous! I'm the Joker! I'm not supposed to be doing any of this!"

Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, foam started coming out of the kitchen and at a rapid rate. "No, no, no, no!" he exclaimed and ran into the kitchen, slipping again in the process before reaching the washing machine. He pressed the stop button but the machine wouldn't stop. It kept making beeping noises. It was driving him mad. The whole thing was driving him mad! It made him realize that all this while, Harley was the one who took care of him. She was the one who would do the laundry, clean the bathroom and even buy the groceries! However, the Joker is a stubborn man. He would never admit defeat just yet.

Well, that was until he smelled smoke coming from the washing machine before he saw that his clothes were on fire via the transparent door. "Not my suit! Those are one of a kind!"

He crawled to the kitchen sink, steadying himself before grabbing a cup of water. The Joker opened the washer's door and splashed water into it. His clothes were still on fire. He kicked the washing machine before looking for the bucket he had used earlier.

He filled it with water and hoped it was enough to put out the fire. Luckily for him, it was, as the fire died out but his clothes were not spared from being burned.

He sighed. At least the whole hideout wasn't on fire. He tossed the bucket aside before taking a seat on one of the wooden chairs by the table.

It collapsed after a few seconds.

That was the last straw for the Joker. He had had enough. He strode into the bedroom, grabbed the car keys and got into his car. He was getting Harley out of Arkham today whether she likes it or not. Throughout the journey, he grumbled incoherent words, gripping the steering wheel tightly as though it was Batman's neck.

The Joker drove the car straight through the Arkham gates, parked by the entrance to the building and shot guards and staff who were in his line of sight.

As the alarm was blaring throughout the asylum, he grumpily swiped the card, opening the door to Harley's cell.

The sight of him shocked her. He was dressed in his purple bathrobe and Bugs Bunny slippers. Not only that, but he was also covered in foam. "Puddin'?"

"Yeah, yeah. Come on. Let's go. I need you to clean up the place."

He grabbed her arm and dragged a very confused Harley Quinn out of her cell. "Mr.J, what's going on?" She had noticed that he was limping slightly.

"I need you to do my laundry, feed the hyenas and clean up the mess in the kitchen. Oh, and order me a couple of new suits."

They got into the car and drove off before the police were able to get to Arkham in time.

On their way back home, the car was silent but there was a smile on Harley's face. He looked at her through the corner of his eye and grumpily said, "What is it?"

"Nothing, Mr.J," she said happily.

He let it go. She was probably just happy to be out of Arkham. "Harley?"

"Yeah, Puddin'?"

"You need to order a new outfit too," he muttered.

She bit her bottom lip, trying not to laugh but instead, she kissed his cheek. "Love you too, Mr.J!"

 _The End._


End file.
